I have been very wary of posting my latest train of thoughts.

It’s been suggested to me that I shouldn’t formulate my recent random notes into a blog post as it’s too negative and not ‘me’.  That advice has been duly taken on board, but after much deliberation and procrastination (and a little nudge from someone who felt that I should continue with my general outpourings as the process makes me feel a whole lot better and lightens the load), I have decided that I have to go ahead anyway as, although it’s a step away from how I am usually, it IS how I am right now.

When I was going through treatment and all its trials and tribulations, I read about how hard it is to cope after chemo… What a load of twoddle, I thought!  Surely you just say one big “Hurrah!” and get back to normal..? Well, no… not quite.

Below is a copy and paste of something I jotted down on the 10^th February (a while ago I know, but I told you I had been procrastinating…).  It was another of those “sitting-on-the-edge-of-my-bed-about-to-go-to-sleep” moments.

I think this is where it really begins, this is the time for acceptance of the new me. What I now look like, what my future holds, my empathy towards others who have cancer, the lessons which I have learned and can pass on. The learning curve has been steep and has now plateaued but I don’t know whether I’m going up or down now.

Tonight I sat on my bed all at sixes and sevens… and the bizarre thing was, I’ve got no idea really what about, just a whole heap of muddled thoughts.

•  Work
• People’s perception of me
• Aching joints
• Cancer reoccurring
• Being a rubbish mum
• Find more work
• Having a crap left boob
• Constipation and flatulence
• Not replying to emails of support
• Secondaries
• Comparing my life to my Contempories 
• Pension
• More aching joints
• Savings for Joe
• Hot flushes
• When’s my next scan
• Rubbish hair do
• Flakey nails
• Money (or lack of it)
• Sort will
• Checking for lumps

 Can I still blame the above on chemo brain? Time to find a way to break the cycle…

 No one has mentioned the word ‘remission’ to me. I’m not even sure what it means, or whether the word has any substance at all, yet, even though I have had ‘curative treatment’ no one has said I’m cured. So where does that leave me?

Reading this back, the interesting thing is that I haven’t found a way to break the cycle.

The questioning thoughts have just become larger and bigger beasts.

The left boob is still annoying, painful and hampering normal movement and life.

Every joint ache is potential cancer, every blocked bowel movement is potential cancer, every sore gum is potential cancer and every headache is, yes, you’ve guessed it… cancer.

What’s tough is this – I’ve finished my treatment, I’m done. I know, it doesn’t make sense, I should be the happiest person alive.

I’ve been cocooned in the most amazing bubble of clever doctors and nurses treating me, wonderful caring family, amazingly patient and kind friends, and now…. I have to deal with this on my own.  Everyone around me is happy for me, and quite rightly so, to all intents and purposes I strolled through my treatment and came out the other end relatively unscathed.

The smile is still on because I’ve learnt to fix it there.

But you know what, now is when the heavy mental work begins – THAT is what I’ve realised.  I have to do this alone. There are huge sighs of relief all around me because I’ve finished my treatment and everyone can get back to normal and can move on.

When I named this blog ‘My Curved Ball’ I didn’t realise quite how apt that would be – I feel as though I’ve been drop kicked out of the park. I am now that ball. I’ve been carried along as part of a team and now I’ve got to get back on side but I’ve got a bit stuck in the bleachers and have to find someone to toss me back into play.

I think that this is a time thing. I think that the huge feelings of mistrust that I have about my body will start to ease.  My body has let me down but I have to somehow or other find a way to forgive it and move on.

I hope that should any relevant people who may by chance be reading this, understand and believe my next statement to be true; my current state of mind does not affect my day to day life, or more importantly, my ability to work.  In fact, day to day life and work keeps me just that little bit more positive, normal and sane.

You will know by now how I like my little “Next Steps”:

On Tuesday I see my surgeon and lovely clinical nurse. We are talking about when my boob is going to feel better and then hopefully book me in for reconstruction. I know… that sounds like I am being very greedy as I have had recon already with my implant. There is nothing, however, in my life right now that I dislike more than my left boob. An implant is a horrid, painful sensation that is just a big, solid lump stuck on your body. Why in God’s name anyone would pay to have breast implants is completely beyond me. I have decided that I would rather go through the pain of more surgery and try the DIEP flap recon than stay like this forever.

Need to get the dratted Herceptin injections finished as there’s a chance that they could be what are blocking up the digestive system and numbing my finger tips.  Got a bit of a wait, the last one is scheduled for 6^th August. In the meantime, this week I’ve decided to start to make some adjustments to my diet to try and help things along.  Time for a detox…!

This week Joe is back to school and I am looking to try and get a lovely, normal daily routine up and running. We’ve had a cracking Easter holidays but it’s time to get back to the lists and structure.  Right now, quite frankly, that really suits me as then I have the chance to assert a certain amount of control over some things!

It’s payback time.  I want to be there for friends and family who are having tough times right now.  There’s nothing like receiving a whole heap of care and compassion to want to give it back in bucketful’s.

To keep walking my five miles a day with my heavenly four legged therapist (look at him – all grown up now!).

Hope that my hair grows quickly enough to create a smashingly, fashionable ‘elfin’ hair-do before I go on site for Chelsea Flower Show in May.

 

 

PS.

I’ve realised I didn’t share the photos from our second Chemo Collection which we did in December.  Here they are…!  A bit out of date as I have a smidge more hair than that now as can be seen in the quick selfie that I’ve just taken.