Well, it’s been a blast, thank you you smashing little chemo drugs.  I have to admit I have been knocked sideways this week.

I actually had felt as though I was on the front foot, after all I had a head start in terms of knowledge, side effects, terminology, appointment schedules, etc.  We have just been through six months of diagnosis and treatment with Papa’s lymphoma (that’s my Dad by the way, and moving forward, if you see reference to ‘Gaggy’ that’s my Mum – it’s what Joe called them when he was finding his vocal cords as a baby – and they’ve stuck).

Well, there I was waiting for some feelings of nausea and tiredness, I had my super special anti-sickness drugs at the ready, and then… wham!  Five hours after leaving the chemo suite I felt VERY sick and then two hours later I developed a very close bond with the loo… for the next 36 hours.  The thing is, I’ll take my experience over Papa’s any day, he felt constantly nauseous, like a three week hangover, he could barely eat.  At least mine was done and dusted (albeit dramatically) in a couple of days.

Anyway, its a good way to detox – 4 days later – 5lbs lighter and I’m back on the food again.

Now the infamous ‘Chemo Brain’ has kicked in.  Papa went on about this for ages, we almost lost patience, we couldn’t work out what he was going on about.  The Macmillan nurses talked about it.  Now I understand.  It’s a strange feeling of wooziness, sometimes I feel as though my eyes aren’t connected to my head, it took me half an hour to write a 10 line email today – I knew what I wanted to write but just couldn’t get the spellings and grammar right.

I’m waiting for the supposed dip in energy as I stopped taking the steroids yesterday… so far today the dog has been walked twice, I’ve done some work and been to Tesco’s… still waiting…

All the above proves a point which the consultants have stated – everyone’s cancer is different and everyone’s treatment is so very cleverly devised and tweaked just for them by those remarkable scientists and their microscopes (and probably lots of other science-y type of things!) when they get their mitts on the biopsies.  There’s just no knowing how it will effect each of us.

It’s like having a personal shopper, except you get a whole new life not just a new outfit.

Just to warn you, I’ll mention these quite a bit.  I have always believed that every cloud has a silver lining – you just have to find it.

I’ve found a few recently;

• Confirmation of how wonderful my friends are, near and far, regardless of when I last saw them or spoke with them.  How amazingly forgiving they are of my complete hopelessness to keep in touch properly.
• If it was at all possible, I am now even closer to my Mum and Dad.
• Potentially I am going to get a boob reduction – for free!

This post has come about because today’s silver lining moment is that I feel as though I’ve had botox in my lips… bizarre?  I guess that means I should get the mouthwash ready for the mouth ulcers.  All these lovely little ailments which I’ve been warned about.

As some of my email will not have made sense

When I mention Joe, that is my deliciously, handsome little boy.

On Monday this week I had my first chemo.

Since I sent the first email, I’ve had a sentinel lymph node biopsy which was clear (whoop! whoop!) which means I remain as Stage 2 breast cancer.  It’s all perfectly contained in the left boob, not trundling its way around my body.

The marvellous consultants at Bristol’s Southmead Breast Care Centre had thought I would need to have a mastectomy (only left), but they’ve decided to go back to the lumpectomy option when I’ve completed the seven cycles of chemo (increased from six), rather than the whole shebang of mastectomy – You’ve gotta love ’em, well I do!  I’m holding them to a very little mention they made that they’d still balance me up at and reduce the right at the same time…

My dear, dear Daddy is also on his own personal journey of lymphoma – seems a bit unfair to us to be both going through it at the same time – but at least I know one of the closest people in my life truly understands what I’m going through.

I think the best way to get started is to just copy and paste the first email which I sent, my first BIG off load, says it all really…

(Friday 5th May 2017)

“Hello there my lovely, lovely friends,

Firstly I am sorry for doing this by email, but I can’t work out another way to tell you all at exactly the same time (as you are all so very equally important to me) and as my world has got a little complex I would still be on the phone sometime next year trying to explain things in a coherent fashion!  I am so sorry to my friends who have been trying to suggest dates to meet up, I know I have been very evasive, but I have had a relatively good reason.

Always find it best to just blurt these things out… I’ve got breast cancer.

I had suspected for a little while and was diagnosed on 13^th April (after 3 hours of scans, biopsy’s and mammograms) and then had to have an extra MRI.  Was back to Southmead for results and treatment plan, etc. which was confirmed at an appointment at Southmead on 3^rd May.  Three lumps have been tracked down in my left boob.

I told Joe tonight and we are going to have a very chilled and quiet weekend, it would be great if there are not any conversations in his earshot over the next couple of days, that’s why I thought I’d send a more detailed email to try and head you all off at the pass!!

The next few months are going to be a bit of a grind, as soon as I get back from Chelsea it’s into six 3 week cycles of chemotherapy, followed by an op, followed by 3 weeks of daily radiotherapy and finished off with weekly Herceptin injections for a year.  Hair will probably be gone by the end of June, so if you feel the need you may want to prep children before then – I don’t want to go scaring all our little darlings…

I know the order of op and chemo sounds a bit odd, but as I’ve learnt, they do this with breast cancer to preserve as much flesh as possible, genius!  Shrink it and then have a simple lumpectomy as a day case.  I might still be a bit of a wonky donkey, but my consultant will also consider reducing the right so I will have a matching pair again – every cloud has a silver lining… I’ll get a free boob job and be able to run for the first time without giving myself black eyes!

And now for the science bit for anyone who’s interested or who may understand – it’s official name is B5b grade 2 invasive ductile cancer in the left breast – or as I call them Lump 1, Lump 2 and Lump 3!

Also, I am so very pleased to be able to work at Chelsea Flower Show as normal, but that leads to another request… please can there be no tagging of me on facebook with little hints/motivational sayings, etc. as some of the clients crew are friends with me on facebook.  I absolutely do not want the client to know!  It’s potentially their last year sponsoring, it’s special to them and to me and I don’t want a cloud hanging over the week unnecessarily.  After that, well heck, it’s open season – no secrets at all!

One last thing…(Gosh, I’m being very demanding aren’t I…?) The Chick/Cox family are running a bit dry on good news this year, the emotional stability tanks are pretty much empty – Dad and I to be going through this at the same time is marginally unfair we feel, you couldn’t really write the book.   We are yet to work out whether we will be able to synchronise our radiology appointments and have jolly days out together to the BRI.  However, we have decided that the only way we are getting through this is with humour, you can either laugh or cry, and we’ve decided to laugh.  So, if the smiles, normality and bad jokes can outweigh the sympathetic glances, it would be very much appreciated.

A special note for the Ladies…. I consider myself very, very lucky.  This little bugger is going to be stopped in its tracks early.  I found this, mammograms did not pick it up… Please check, check, check – not just the obvious that we are told about feeling for lumps, I noticed a change of shape and very slight dimpling (and only when my arms were above my head taking my pyjama top off!), even the consultant thought nothing was there at first.  Only the Ultrasound showed them and Sharon the amazing radiologist spotted two out of three of them immediately, the MRI got the third.

Lastly, when I get my ducks (or chicks!) in order all help will be gratefully received – dog walking, child collecting, hospital drop-offs – haven’t quite worked it all out yet, but don’t you worry, I know where to come!

There, got that off my chest… (excuse the pun)

BIG hugs,

K x ”