The world keeps turning, you watch it happening around you, but it’s all been put on hold for you by something which is out of your control.

(Please Note: I wrote this yesterday, I’d decided overnight not to post it as it wasn’t up to my usual upbeat ramblings, just a muddle of grumbling thoughts.  Two people persuaded me otherwise (Sarah & Charity are the culprits…).  They said that this is about me and my journey, good and bad, and all should be documented).

Apologies, but feeling a smidge negative and frustrated this week.

Fingers crossed that tomorrow I will wake up and my eyes will have reconnected with their sockets and my brain will be back in the correct way round (seems to have been turning circles inside my skull since Monday), which will mean an end to the dizziness…

I’m bored, but don’t have the energy or mental capacity to hold a sensible conversation, therefore, I draw the curtains. Heaven forbid talking to two people at once in the same room as that would mean moving my eyes from one person to the next = feel dizzy = feel sick.

Decided to keep myself entertained today with some statistics:

• 52,500 people are going to be diagnosed with breast cancer in the UK this year
• 1 in 8 women in the UK will be diagnosed with breast cancer
• 66 million projected UK population in 2017
• Let’s go for a 50/50 split male to female = 33 million women
• Let’s estimate that about 10 milllion of those are under 20
• Let’s estimate that about 3 million of those are over 75 years

So – out of 20 million women aged 20-75 years, 52,160 women will be diagnosed in 2017 (taken off the 340 unlucky men) – that’s 0.26% (when you look at it that way, it’s quite an exclusive club) – and there are so many websites, forums, help groups – so why does it feel so very lonely? [Monday – not quite sure why I felt the need to resort to stats to try and work out why I was feeling fed up??] 

This is what I’ve been asking myself this weekend… WHY do I feel isolated?

Maybe it’s because I’m a single mum so to all intents and purposes I’m on my own with no one immediately there to rant at/chat to.

Maybe it’s because for the first week of the cycle which is when it hits me, I struggle to focus on my computer screen so online options are a no, no.

Maybe it’s because I’ve chosen to isolate myself and just get on with it in my own way? Right now that feels necessary even if it’s not correct, as all energy reserves have to be kept for Joe and Winston (oh, and getting up and washing each day).

Also, how come everyone you talk to who has a friend, relative, acquaintance, that has sailed through chemo… where are all these super human beings? Am I being a wimp?

Moral of this weekend’s story – stick to ONLY listening to the consultants and nurses, their mantra seems to be about the personalised service of drug treatment, everyone’s cancer is different, everyone’s drug regime is different everyone reacts differently.

Also, don’t get bogged down by stats – it’s dull.

There we go, rant over.  I think I’ve convinced myself I’m not a recluse or a wimp and I feel a bit better now.

Notes from this week:

• Yippee yeay for more and new anti sickness tablets – wasn’t sick, just felt nauseous.
• Chemo brain and dizziness has been worse this time, but as long as it stops tomorrow it will have lasted exactly a week again. [Monday – it hasn’t completely gone, but nearly there]
• No signs of mouth ulcers.
• Very tired, but not able to sleep properly.
• Not such a hot face and skin this time.
• Hair nearly gone, scalp not painful anymore and dropping the last bits very slowly – if we don’t go for the clippers soon then I’ll have to start doing a comb over… it needs to go I think, very aware that if I don’t have my hat or scarf on and I go to the door, then I am starting to scare the neighbours and delivery people!
• Joe seems to be contemplating things more, but not feeling the need to talk about it.  Might be because my hair looks so rubbish so he has a constant reminder now.  Another reason to go for a ‘cool’ shave rather than odd/ill cancer look.
• Plan to get back to walking 4 miles a day before next cycle is going ok – done just over 3 miles today. Had to focus on just walking as looking around at nature = dizzy.
• Now just over half a stone down on original weight so not lost too much more this time

Final thought from today, Monday:

I realised something very important today, it was a proper ‘lightbulb’ moment – this isolation thing I was wittering on about yesterday is a mental thing, not physical.  The support I have around me is humbling.

I have so much contact with, and help from, friends, neighbours, family, son, dog, cat, postman (who, I might add, knocks on the window every morning and waits for a thumbs up to check on me).

I’ve had flowers, snacks, books, magazines, lasagnas arrive on the door step. 

I walk twice a day, I’m not shutting myself away (that much…).

The isolation is in the mind, sometimes I guess I just pop along to a dark place specially designed to overthink things, spend a little time in the doldrums and then dust myself off and type my way out of it.